Using Genograms To Understand Generational Trauma
When Resilience Turns Into Emotional Shutdown
When Sara came to me, she wasn’t asking for self-care tips.
She was trying to figure out how to stop feeling like a bad daughter for wanting empathy.
She’s a 41-year-old Jewish American woman, a creative director, mother of two — brilliant, witty, and tired. Every time she tried to talk to her mom about something hard, she hit the same wall.
“You think that’s bad? I worked two jobs and still made dinner every night.”
“You just have to live with things, Sara. That’s life.”
At first, Sara thought maybe she was too sensitive. Her mother had survived real things — antisemitism, financial instability, loneliness. Empathy, in her mom’s generation, wasn’t language; it was liability.
To complain was dangerous. To feel was indulgent. To soften was to forget where you came from.
So Sara learned to “tough it out.”
To shrink her needs.
To call endurance love.
And unfortunately, to mask her needs drinking too much.
The Inheritance of Hardness
When we started working together, we explored what happens in her body when her mother shuts her down. Her chest would tighten; her voice would go quiet. That’s not weakness — that’s a nervous system registering emotional threat.
Her mother’s “just live with it” wasn’t cruelty. It was training. It was an echo of generations who had to equate silence with survival.
But Sara doesn’t live in that world anymore.
She’s the first woman in her lineage who actually has the bandwidth to heal.
And that makes her dangerous in the best way.
The Genogram: Mapping the Family System
At one point in our work, I helped Sara build a genogram—a visual family map that uncovers relational and coping patterns across generations.
Think of it as an emotional family tree that captures more than births and deaths: it traces relationships, alliances, ruptures, mental health patterns, losses, and cultural legacies.
When Sara laid out her map, a few things stood out:
Emotional stoicism ran down the maternal line. Her grandmother lost most of her family in Europe and rarely spoke about it. Her mother grew up in the shadow of unspoken grief — learning to equate silence with strength.
Caretaking flowed one direction. The women carried the emotional load; the men carried authority. Love was service, not tenderness.
Survival stories replaced emotional language. If you cried, someone reminded you of the Holocaust, the Depression, or how lucky you were to be here at all. Pain became comparative, not connective.
Achievement and vigilance were the family glue. Generational trauma often hides inside high functioning — always scanning for danger, overperforming to stay safe.
Seeing it on paper changed everything for Sara.
In one session, Sara said something that cracked the whole thing open:
“I know she had to survive, but I’m trying to learn how to live.”
That became her anchor.
When her mom started minimizing again, Sara didn’t fight — she grounded.
She stopped explaining and started protecting her peace.
She began to recognize: her mother wasn’t rejecting her; she was reenacting her own story.
Sara didn’t need to win the argument. She needed to stop auditioning for understanding.
It stopped being personal failure and started being pattern recognition.
She wasn’t “too emotional.” She was the first one in the system with enough safety to feel.
What a Genogram Can Reveal For You
A genogram helps you see what’s been inherited emotionally, not just genetically.
It’s one of the most useful trauma-informed tools for understanding the forces shaping your relationships, boundaries, and self-trust.
When you visualize your family over three generations, you begin to see:
Behavioral loops (caretaking, addiction, avoidance, control)
Relational dynamics (who connects, who withdraws, who mediates)
Unspoken rules (“don’t talk about money,” “keep peace at all costs,” “don’t need too much”)
Repeating life events (mental health struggles, divorces, migration stress, illness)
The genogram doesn’t judge. It simply mirrors.
It helps you name what’s been passed down — and what you’re ready to release.
To start your own:
Sketch your family tree for at least three generations (or as far as you know).
Add names, ages, relationships, and major life events.
Mark emotional patterns: closeness, conflict, secrets, grief, strengths.
Reflect on what repeats and what feels different in you.
Even this small act of mapping begins to separate who you are from what you inherited.
If You Grew Up With a “Just Live With It” Parent
You’re not weak for wanting empathy.
You’re simply the first generation that’s safe enough to ask for it.
That safety can feel foreign at first — like you’re betraying your ancestors by wanting ease.
But healing isn’t betrayal. It’s evolution.
You can honor the grit that got them here without repeating the emotional austerity that kept them numb.
In coaching, this is the moment we name the difference between resilience and resignation.
Resilience bends and breathes.
Resignation freezes and repeats.
Your job isn’t to toughen up — it’s to unlearn the ways toughness became your only armor.
Higher Vibes Coaching Supports Trauma-Informed Recovery
If you recognize yourself in Sara’s story — constantly holding space for everyone else, quietly carrying your own pain, unsure how to ask for comfort — that’s not a personality flaw.
That’s a trauma adaptation.
Coaching at Higher Vibes isn’t about fixing you. It’s about untraining survival mode so you can experience safety, softness, and focus in real time.
We’ll look at how generational conditioning, neurodivergence, and emotional wiring intersect.
We’ll map what your nervous system actually needs — and help you practice boundaries, communication, and compassion that don’t leave you depleted.
You don’t have to just live with it.
You get to live through it — and build something gentler on the other side.
About the Author
Minal Kamlani is a trauma-informed ADHD recovery coach based in NYC. She works with neurodivergent adults in recovery from trauma, burnout, and survival-based coping. Her coaching blends structure and nervous system awareness to help clients reclaim function—without shame or perfectionism. Learn more at Higher Vibes Coaching.